The Language of My People

I believe that most families and close friends have their own language. By this I mean, their own phrases, words and hand signals that only they understand. Generally most of the things I say come from movies, TV shows, or songs that I like. If you are related to me, or very good friends with me; you understand me...

...and that...

...is scary.

Yikes. 



Here is an extremely small collection of phrases that you might hear if you are around me or my family for any amount of time. A very small collection. 

Officer Devon Butler

"Don't you owe me $[insert amount here]?"
Anytime my sister or I receive a gift of cash, my Dad immediately asks us, "Don't you owe me?"



"You owe me $ 9.95!"
Meaning, I did you a favor. 
Comes from the movie "Cop & 1/2"
We actually use several quotes from this movie--   often.





"But my car is still pretty, right?"
My Great Aunt was a very jealous person, and spoke up at the end of a conversation to ask that question of us. Now it is something we say jokingly when we hear of an accomplishment. Good for you, but is my car still pretty? 


"It was on the spoon!"
My grandmother would always spoon out too much food on your plate, and you best damn accept it! She was 100% Sicilian... you don't mess with that. 


"Ear elephant."
My Dad's way of telling us that something was/is irrelevant to the situation and we should just stop talking about it.

"I. Am. Speed."

"How fast do those shoes go?"
New sneakers must be tested for speed. 
Float like a Cadillac, sting like a Beemer. Zoom zoom.


"Acaba-chewy"
Another word for sneeze. Mostly because that is how my Mom sounds when she sneezes. 


"P.A.B."
Punk Ass Bitch. 
My way of cussing at my sister when I was still too young to get away with it.

Oops! Sorry, Cap.

"Sonnamagum!"
Translation: Son of a Gun! Our neighbor with a very thick accent used this phrase often; that is what we heard when he said it. 


"I.E. Phafum"
Translation: I have to use the bathroom.  Don't ask, just accept it for what it is. 


So, what are some phrases or words that your family and friends use, that no one else understands?

Too Slow for Harlan, KY

Around about a decade ago, my father and I took a long road trip together. The last stop of our "Circling the South" tour was Harlan, Kentucky, for the Southern Shine Crawl at the Black Mountain Recreational Park hosted by the Kentucky Mountain Crawlers (thanks guys!).

Aerial View found on Wikipedia

Now, keep in mind that, 10+ years ago, Harlan, KY didn't have much in the way of cell reception. This town is surrounded by mountains, quite literally. I honestly have no idea how the cell service there is now, I haven't had the chance to visit since. However, I remember that on this trip, in order to call my Mom for the 'check in' to say a fuzzy broken scratchy "Hi-We're still alive", Dad and I would have to park in one specific spot, in the vastly empty parking lot of a 'popular' shopping plaza.


On our last day there, we picked up dinner at the local KFC. We ate our dinner in the truck, in our specific parking spot as we called to check in. I noticed that on this particular night a few of the local Vehicle Enforcement Officers were gathered in the parking lot as well.  "Must be on their cell phones, too" I thought to myself.


After we said good night to Mom, I started the truck and we left to return to the one hotel in town (might be more now). While waiting at the light to turn onto the highway from the lot, one of the officers pulled up behind me. I didn't think much of it, he was probably also leaving. The light turned green, and I turned into the left lane, since our hotel was on the left side of the highway before the next light.


I was driving the speed limit, I promise I was... my Dad was in the truck with me and he cares about that stuff. I eased to the left a bit, ready to begin a left turn, but realized there was a median, so I straightened up and kept heading for the light as planned.


It was about this time that the blue lights (no red ones) started flashing in my rear view mirror. I pulled over to the right side of the road and onto the shoulder, like a responsible driver.

The officer approached the window as I rolled it down and said 'Hello'.

"How ya doing this evening? Ya'll been drinking or doing any drugs tonight?" He asked.

I looked at him as if he were a calculus equation... written with caulk... on a pizza... that smelled like eggs. I turned my head slowly, to look at my father. A man who was has worn a white t-shirt and blue jeans since he was a child. A man who has had the same short hair cut since he started grade school. My Dad is very clean cut and no where near hippie-status. He was also gazing upon this cop with a look that said... are you stupid? really? seriously? wow.

I looked back at Mr.Po-Po, "Um, no."

He took my license and went back to check me out while Dad and I laughed about the people on 4-wheeler's without helmets driving on the highway past us.

When he returned... "Do you know why I pulled you over tonight, ma'am?"

That is when I realized there had been two other Vehicle Enforcement cars pulled behind his that were now leaving. I guess since the whole 'drug' thing had cleared he no longer needed back-up. At this point, I was amused. Apparently a truck from Florida that was parked in a Kentucky dollar store parking lot could lead to suspicions of drug activity, who knew!? But I digress...

"No, sir, I have no idea why you pulled me over."

"You were driving kinda slow in the left lane and weaving a bit."

I am sure at that point I was smirking at him, I couldn't help it. This was entertaining me.

"I was getting ready to turn, and realized there is a median so I straightened up to go to the turn lane at the light."

"Oh. (realization settling in) Oh, I see. Nah, nah, see, you can just pull right over the median, it don't matter. Here's your information back. Ya'll here for the 4x4 crawl?"

So this is where I should tell you that back then I drove a 4x4 truck, with a large "4x4" vinyl sticker on my back windshield, and all-terrain 35's (aka big tires). I can't recall his name now, but I'm thinking it may have been Officer Sherlock, or perhaps... Deputy Watson?

"Well, we were, but we are leaving in the morning."

"Well, ya'll have a good trip back home."

"Thank you."

I let him leave before us, lest we get pulled over again for obeying traffic laws. But, Dad and I had a good laugh, and we added another great memory to the many made during our father/daughter trip. Thanks, Deputy Watson... this open beer in my moving vehicle is for you. *wink* 


Harlan County, KY... where it is okay to drive on the median.

Google street view image from Harlan, KY, catches the process of a left turn onto the Hwy

Note: Harlan, Kentucky is truly a beautiful, breath-taking place to see, and I encourage you to visit... 

Just don't drive too slow in the left lane! 

And don't worry about the lack of turn lanes.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harlan,_Kentucky

http://www.harlancountytrails.com/index.php

Classical Gas

The unfortunate truth to life is that we get older. My Uncle got older, as many tend to do, and needed to be in a physical rehabilitation center. He had suffered from a heart attack, and needed to stay for a couple of months. I was still a teenager at the time, and would go along with my mother from time to time to visit him. This particular time that I am going to tell you about, my mother’s friend, whom I call “Mom #2”, was with us.

This particular hotel did not offer private rooms to the patients, and so my uncle shared his room with another patient. I am not sure now if can recall the reason that this person needed to stay here and was given the neighboring bed, but I do recall that he was quite loud. This man was in pain. Horrible, gut wrenching pain.

He was moaning, groaning… screaming from the depths of his soul, it was terrible. We thought to call the nurses to his aid, but they had already heard his cries and were coming into the room.  The nurses were not able to help. Still, he continued to cry out in pain. We were all helpless. What demon had ahold of this man’s abdomen?  What horrors were happening inside of his gut? Filled with sympathy for this poor man, we stood by my Uncle’s side, wondering if he will ever find peace. 

It was about this time that the neighbor’s suffering came to an end. Finally, his cheeks had parted as if Moses himself had placed his staff at the top of this man’s crack, and the air of hostility that had held his bowels captive escaped. The rush of air that comes whipping through the trees just before the rain from the hurricane comes pelting down to the earth.  There was no control over it. There was no way he could have eased it out slowly. No, this was a full on stampede of toxic air.   

It was the longest, loudest fart that I had ever heard in my 16 years on the earth.  It is still the longest, loudest one that I have ever heard, and I am now 36 years old.  Twenty years I have listened for something as impressive as this was, and have yet to find it. A sound of that grandeur cannot be imitated. It is special, indeed. There has been no other that has shook an entire building.  None have out-lasted the length of the Gone with the Wind movie, while his pain was, ironically, gone with the wind.

The Majestic Art of the Epic Fart

After the orchestral masterpiece had faded away, and earth was no longer shaking.  Our dear neighbor’s pain was gone. The residents on the floor of the building had gone silent, most likely because they were temporarily deaf from the sonic boom when the jets flew out of his bum and broke the sound barrier, leaving a trail of green clouds in their wake.  The silence was broken by his soft, sweet, tender, and Oh So Joyous sigh of relief. Ahhhhh!  

It was at this point that Mom #2 and I looked at each other, shocked, mortified, and ready to burst into laughter. We knew that laughing at this poor man’s relief would not be appropriate, so we left the room quickly. In the hallway, we started to giggle, but the giggles couldn’t be contained and grew louder still.  We hurried down the hall, to the elevators.  We pushed the button for the down elevator, we got into the elevator, and once the doors had closed, we let out the loudest, longest fit of laughter we had ever laughed.  Well, that’s not totally true, we laugh quite often, and usually loudly. Sometimes we laugh so hard, that we ourselves, end up tooting out in true putt-putt fashion.  And then we laugh even more.

So that is my story about how I had to quickly leave a physical rehabilitation center, because someone ripped a big one. 

Not So Super Heroes

This is a true story. There were witnesses.

I was approximately 22 or 23 years old, my BF was probably 21 or 22... this is why this story is just plain weird and crazy.

It was very late into the summer of 2002, or maybe 2003, when the afternoons are at Hell-level hot in Central Florida. My best friend and I were sitting around the house, not doing much more than watching movies, talking, and soaking up the A/C.

I don't recall the course of our conversation that day, but knowing how we are, we most likely had come full circle from contemplating the limits of the universe, to the philosophy of Green Day's lyrics, to the way a strawberry seed gets stuck in a person's teeth.  There is no telling what or why this thought then crossed my mind - but it did.

Again, being that it was something like 13 years ago, I don't recall the exact way our conversation went, but it was basically like this:

Me: "Hey, let's dress up and paint our faces and pretend to be superheroes."
BF:  "What?"

I do recall that she was truly perplexed by what she thought she had heard. Her first and only sensible conclusion was that she had heard wrong. She stared at me like she was viewing a Modern Art piece that was somehow deemed beautiful and meaningful, but was really just a dot on a canvas.

Me: "I am betting we aren't the only people who are bored, let's go 'rescue' them from their boredom! Let's be superheroes!"
BF: (laughing) "You are insane."
Me: "Oh come one, it'll be fun! You know you want to do this with me.... who should we be? I think I want to paint flames on my face!  I will be "Ze Flame" (spoken with a bad French accent)!"

Side note:  I am fairly certain we had watched Clue that day, as it was and is one of my favorite movies. I love the quote from Madeline Khan, as Mrs. White saying that she was so angry she had "Flames.... Flames.... On my face..." 

BF: (laughing) "Oh my goodness, okay, okay, I will be..... Electra (said with a pretty good Proper English accent). "

I then proceeded to paint our faces with Flames and Lightning, and try our best to come up with lame back stories to explain our association with fire and electricity. It pains me that I cannot remember our back stories to tell you.  I know that we proceeded to speak in accents for the remainder of the day. Mine being a bad French accent, worthy of a striped shirt, ascot, thin mustache, and a baguette! Lumiere would be proud of it, though.  I believe he would have lit a flame for Ze Flame.

Her accent was a good and proper English.  Electra could have warmed the afternoon tea and restarted the Queen's old pacemaker all in one fashionable sitting. For King and Country, our dear Electra was.

So we continued with our heroic plan, and drove around our town to our friends houses, and places of work. We would rush in through the door...

Me: "We ahr hee' to rres-quee y'ew frum ze pain of ze bahrdness"
BF:  "Pardon me, We do hate to interrupt, but what my friend is trying to say is that we wish to assist you with any troubles you may be facing concerning being bored today."
Me:  "Yesssss, wha' sheee say-id"

The reaction was always the same... a blank stare, followed by an eruption in laughter.

Me:  "Our w'oerk, she is... compleet"
BF:  "Quite so.  I believe you are correct."

Here is one picture as proof.  It was taken at the end of a very hot and sweaty day... full of hard hero work.

Yes, yes, I know my crazy idea was more like "The Lame and Etc." but hey... we made people laugh. And we made a great memory for ourselves that we still look back on and laugh.

I know my best friend loves me, because she goes along with my silly crazy ideas. I love you Electra!