Cara & Kyle on a Lunch Break

[warning: Language & Adult topic]

Cara & Kyle at Lunch - Sitting in the cafeteria at work, best friends Cara & Kyle have a complete and totally random conversation.  Kyle is looking through his phone at his social network newsfeed. 

[Kyle]: So, Netflix is bringing out all the things that my nephew Dave wants to watch next month…(pauses to read more)… oooh, and Reading Rainbow!

[Cara]: (sings) Butterfly in the sky!

[Kyle]: That boy is going to watch Reading Rainbow or I'm going to throw their big ass plasma TV out the window.

[Cara]: (keeps singing) It can go twice as high!

[Kyle]: I like Reading Rainbow. But oh my gosh, I wish Netflix had Mr. Rogers.

[Cara]: Well, you know… when you wish upon a star, your dreams come true.

[Kyle]: (looks up from phone) Umm, isn't that from Cinderella? I’m talking about Reading Rainbow and Mr. Rogers. Are you even listening?

[Cara]: I am listening. I’m telling you to wish for it! And I thought that song was from Pinocchio. Yeah, it is. Jiminy cricket sings it. Cinderella sings "A dream is a wish your heart makes". Anyway, you can wish for Mr. Rogers to be on Netflix, just like you wish he would come into your dreams at night.

[Kyle]: More like Steve Rogers in my bedroom.

[Cara]: I told you I don’t share. You can’t have Cpt. Steve Rogers. He is all mine.

[Kyle]: Mm-hmm, right.  Well, anyway… Going back to the Disney thing, I found out recently that my sister-in-law won't let the kids watch Dumbo because she is afraid of the pink elephants.

[Cara]: (stops humming and stares at Kyle) Hmm, that’s interesting. What about the Heffalumps and Woozles, do they scare her too?

[Kyle]: No, she likes that one.

[Cara]: What!? That…   that makes NO sense to me. Pink Elephants – No. Heffalumps, Woozles – Okay.

[Kyle]: Yep. And the kids dig the song.  Dave marches around the house going (stands up to act it out) 'HEFFALUMPS AND WOOZLES, DOO DOOT DOO DOO DOOT DOO'

Cara laughs hard and loudly. 

[Kyle]: Yeah, personally, I don't think that the elephants are especially egregious.

[Cara]: Well, I mean, basically the animators just grabbed a different crayon. In real life, it’d be just like, spreading body paint on an animal. Seriously, the Oompa Loompas are way more sinister if you ask me.

[Kyle]: Oh yeah, the Oompa Loompas are psychopaths. Hey, check out this kid that just got turned into a blueberry because she's a glutton. We'll sing a song, then juice her ass.

[Cara]: And hey, Let’s make sure the song let’s her how much she deserves it all because she likes chewing gum (sings) "like a co-ow does...."

[Kyle]: Yeah, stick it to her.

[Cara]: ....hey how about this fat kid clogging up our chocolate lines....

[Kyle]: Let's hope he drowns in it.

[Cara]: But hey, people will think we are nice if we speak in rhyme... like poets.

[Kyle]: (snapping fingers like a beatnik poet)  He goes up. UP THE PIPE.

[Cara]: The brown river pipe. (pauses in revelation) Oh my gosh… The Oompa Loompas are gay.

[Kyle]: Haha, And serial killers!!! They sing a song about a little girl being incinerated.

[Cara]: Those sadistic fuckers.

[Kyle]: Yup. But then again, their leader, Willy Wonka... he isn't quite right either.

[Cara]: Willy Wonka is a pedophile… He likes to Wonk little willies. (pinches Kyle) WONK! (pinches again) Wonk wonk!

[Kyle]: GOOD DAY, SIR! (throws napkin down)

[Cara]: (loudly, like a fog horn) WOOOOOOOOOOO-oooooooooooooonnnnnkkkkkkkkkkk.

(People at nearby tables stop and stare at the foghorn noise, but continue with their own business as Cara and Kyle laugh hysterically)

[Kyle]: You really shouldn't wonk at work.

[Cara]: (laughs then sings to the tune of whistle while you work) Wonk it while you work fap fap fap-fap fap fap fap!

[Kyle]: I will look for your post tomorrow on Reddit; “The Time I Fucked Up” by wonking at work.

[Cara]: I'm sure there's more than one of those.

[Kyle]: Probably. We better get back to work before our bosses Wonk our paychecks.

[Cara]: Are we still going to dinner tonight? 

[Kyle]: As long as you promise not to wonk any willies.

[Cara]: Okay, but if Steve Rogers shows up, all promises are null and void. 

[Kyle]: Agreed! 

They pick up their lunch contents and trash and leave to return to their offices. 

Not So Super Heroes

This is a true story. There were witnesses.

I was approximately 22 or 23 years old, my BF was probably 21 or 22... this is why this story is just plain weird and crazy.

It was very late into the summer of 2002, or maybe 2003, when the afternoons are at Hell-level hot in Central Florida. My best friend and I were sitting around the house, not doing much more than watching movies, talking, and soaking up the A/C.

I don't recall the course of our conversation that day, but knowing how we are, we most likely had come full circle from contemplating the limits of the universe, to the philosophy of Green Day's lyrics, to the way a strawberry seed gets stuck in a person's teeth.  There is no telling what or why this thought then crossed my mind - but it did.

Again, being that it was something like 13 years ago, I don't recall the exact way our conversation went, but it was basically like this:

Me: "Hey, let's dress up and paint our faces and pretend to be superheroes."
BF:  "What?"

I do recall that she was truly perplexed by what she thought she had heard. Her first and only sensible conclusion was that she had heard wrong. She stared at me like she was viewing a Modern Art piece that was somehow deemed beautiful and meaningful, but was really just a dot on a canvas.

Me: "I am betting we aren't the only people who are bored, let's go 'rescue' them from their boredom! Let's be superheroes!"
BF: (laughing) "You are insane."
Me: "Oh come one, it'll be fun! You know you want to do this with me.... who should we be? I think I want to paint flames on my face!  I will be "Ze Flame" (spoken with a bad French accent)!"

Side note:  I am fairly certain we had watched Clue that day, as it was and is one of my favorite movies. I love the quote from Madeline Khan, as Mrs. White saying that she was so angry she had "Flames.... Flames.... On my face..." 

BF: (laughing) "Oh my goodness, okay, okay, I will be..... Electra (said with a pretty good Proper English accent). "

I then proceeded to paint our faces with Flames and Lightning, and try our best to come up with lame back stories to explain our association with fire and electricity. It pains me that I cannot remember our back stories to tell you.  I know that we proceeded to speak in accents for the remainder of the day. Mine being a bad French accent, worthy of a striped shirt, ascot, thin mustache, and a baguette! Lumiere would be proud of it, though.  I believe he would have lit a flame for Ze Flame.

Her accent was a good and proper English.  Electra could have warmed the afternoon tea and restarted the Queen's old pacemaker all in one fashionable sitting. For King and Country, our dear Electra was.

So we continued with our heroic plan, and drove around our town to our friends houses, and places of work. We would rush in through the door...

Me: "We ahr hee' to rres-quee y'ew frum ze pain of ze bahrdness"
BF:  "Pardon me, We do hate to interrupt, but what my friend is trying to say is that we wish to assist you with any troubles you may be facing concerning being bored today."
Me:  "Yesssss, wha' sheee say-id"

The reaction was always the same... a blank stare, followed by an eruption in laughter.

Me:  "Our w'oerk, she is... compleet"
BF:  "Quite so.  I believe you are correct."

Here is one picture as proof.  It was taken at the end of a very hot and sweaty day... full of hard hero work.

Yes, yes, I know my crazy idea was more like "The Lame and Etc." but hey... we made people laugh. And we made a great memory for ourselves that we still look back on and laugh.

I know my best friend loves me, because she goes along with my silly crazy ideas. I love you Electra!